Scrub techs

When a scrub tech asks you a question in the OR, s/he is really telling you what to do but masking it as a question.

They have much more experience than you and usually know what your attending likes. You may have two fancy letters at the end of your name, but you don’t know everything…yet.

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Organ donors

Motorcycles are dangerous, dangerous vehicles. If you are looking for a quick way to be dismembered, it’s the fastest–quite literally–way to go.

Despite all the bad things I know about motorcycles, I still want one.

Broken nose

When you’ve broken your nose many times over, there’s only so much we can do. When you come see us after the 8th break, no matter what we do, it’s not going to be pretty.

Peds ED vs Plastics

This is the kind of stuff I deal with. It’s quite accurate. Plastics for the win!

Our service is light

“Rock” and “deadweight” are terms used to refer to patients who somehow end up on our service but who we a) do not operate on or b) do a little less than nothing for.

We don’t like such patients on our service.

Upgrading the girls

Some people can afford implants at one time–I have yet to learn how–but it doesn’t mean they can afford them forever. Implants don’t last a lifetime, and when they eventually rupture, you have to pay to replace them. Otherwise you have them taken out, leaving you with a flat chest and nasty scar. Make sure you can afford maintenance on the girls before you get them upgraded.

How many stitches, Dr.?

When a patient asks you how many stitches you put in, make a number up.¬†Embellish¬†it, it’ll make them feel better.

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